Monday, October 6, 2014

Depression is not a dirty word

It has been a long time. A long, long time since my last post. This post may explain it all. I posted the piece below on my facebook page a couple of weeks ago and was overwhelmed by love and support. 


I have debated long and hard about whether I share this, which I wrote last week one morning at 3am. Part of my journey is to be open, honest and to talk about how I feel. So here it is.. an explanation. If it helps just one person, it's worth it. 

To all the people I've met over the past 3 years, you never really met me. You met a version of me that I'm not even familiar with. You met a version of me that I don't like.
I used to be happy, easy going, fun, social and confidant. I am no longer any of those things. I used to feel comfortable speaking in public. My wedding speech in front of 298 people was a breeze for me. A year later, my 30th birthday speech in front of 40 people was terrifying. I have never felt more uncomfortable or more completely self conscious as I did in that moment.
It didn't happen all at once. It was a slow eroding of my self worth and a picking at my mental and emotional state that eventually caused me to break down. And break down I did. I felt like a stranger to myself. I couldn't understand why everything became so difficult and so overwhelming. I would cry all the time without knowing why the tears had started or how to make them stop. My home became my safe haven and beyond the front door was a place I didn't want to be a part of. I thought everyone judged me or talked about me and I was anxious and embarrassed to socialise. I would cancel plans, not respond to messages or calls and want nothing to do with anyone or anything. I would crawl into a ball either in bed or on the couch for hours and hours on end. No ambition. No motivation. No drive. No life.
Months past and I finally got fed up enough to recognise that I needed help and I needed it fast. Then I was diagnosed. Major depressive disorder. Those three words were meant to explain the torment and the pain I had been enduring for so long. Three words are not enough.
Not being able to completely understand what was happening to me was the hardest part. I blamed myself to begin with- I just wasn't strong enough, I'd let things get to me, I'm too emotional and too sensitive- but that was not the truth. The truth is that depression is an illness, a sickness. You can not control any part of it. It takes moments in your life, sadness and insecurities and turns them into toxic energy which seeps through every part of you slowly and silently until you are paralysed and unable to do even the simplest of tasks. It takes over your body, mind and soul and leaves you depleted and deflated and lost. Yes, lost. You have no idea where the YOU you once knew has gone and if you'll ever find them again. You take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I'm confidant I'm on the road to finding me again. I don't know how long the road will be but I know I'm on the right track.
I talk about my journey through this all the time as I feel it is important to get it out of my mind and out in the open. Answering "I'm good" when I was asked how I was, felt like I was lying which ate me up inside. So I tell the truth now. I tell people I've had a rough ride but I'm on the way to getting better. It's been the hardest 10 months of my life.
I'm lucky that I have such a wonderful support system around me to listen, to help, to encourage me.
There are people who I know get uncomfortable when I talk about it all and that's just because the stigma still surrounds depression and mental illness and some people just don't know what to say.
To them I say this: I know you don't understand it all but listening to me talk about it, even if you have no response, helps me more than you know. One day I'll have other more interesting things to talk about I promise. As Ricky Gervais so wonderfully said, "Telling people with depression to "just snap out of it" is about as useful as telling people with cancer to "just stop having cancer"."
To those who are struggling I say this: Get help. From your family, your friends, a doctor, a coach, a teacher, a priest or whoever else you think will want the best for you and who will try to encourage you on your way to recovery. It is the worst thing to keep it inside you and to not say "I think I need help".
To all the people I've met over the past 3 years, one day you'll meet me. The real me. And that version of me is pretty awesome. I promise.

No comments:

Post a Comment